“They have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained victory over me” – Psalms 129:2
At one point in our lives, we will need a bit of disenchantment to remind ourselves that perfection can never be achieved.
My friend was right, you’re not worth the attention I’ve given you the past few days. In fact, I’m starting to think you will never be. It was wrong on my part to assume that you’ll reciprocate my feelings the way you did ages ago. But how could I not when you told me you liked me, for the second time. Indeed, some things aren’t meant to be revived, our relationship included. To be honest, maybe I didn’t miss you per se, perhaps I just missed the bond and the togetherness we’ve shared during our heyday. That’s it. I mistook your affectations for something much greater, and because of that, I apologize to myself.
This post emanates insensitivity, I know. You may think you we’re put out as the villain who feigned to be the damsel in distress in a story I tried so hard to put a happy ending into. You were an intrinsic part of me, I know you know, but after all the things that has happened, I don’t think I can look at you the same way ever again. I guess I’ll end it here. Now, let’s not cross each other’s paths, deal?
The previous days have been nothing but a hellish roller coaster for me. All pent-up frustrations from unfinished school works, personal conflicts, and family matters are pushing my patience to the limit. Needless to say, things are not going as planned. All I can think of is spending a day or two out of town, take a breather as what others may say. Maybe, that’s what I really need right now. To be alone and focus on the positive instead of the negative. Perhaps that way, I could smile again the way I smiled on the attached photo. And who knows, everything might sort itself out on its own if I give it a little time and a smile.
There are times when you can’t help but realize the selfish nature of people. One moment, they cling onto you as if you’re a god being worshiped, next thing you know, you’re left alone by the same people you thought were truest to you. It’s too late when you realize you were fooled by their empty words and insincere actions. What’s worse is they left you cold and vulnerable after breaking the invisible shell which protected your entirety. There’s nothing you can do but rebuild it piece by piece, with no assurance of it being as strong as it was before. All material things and favors you selflessly gave them had gone to the drain, along with the trust and love you unconditionally granted them. You know that no matter how you discount all the damage and hurt they’ve caused, forgiving them is as impossible as forgiving yourself from letting them become an intrinsic part of your life. And then you wonder… “Do I deserve such misery?” Maybe. Because somehow, when you think really hard about it, nothing like this would’ve happened had you only been meticulous with the people you deal with. If you only saw beyond others’ thoughts and gregarious gestures… everything would’ve been better – or at least, the same.
Maybe I’m too keen of an observer, noticing things which others would consider trivial. Or perhaps, our friendship has gone to a point where we could tell each other’s underlying feelings through the gap between words and actions. Either way, I know something’s bothering you lately and yes, I may have a hint of what it is – though I’m too unsure to voice anything out. Recently, your blog posts have been somewhat emotional. I should know because, like what I’ve told you before, I patronize your blog. When I see you at school, it seems like there’s nothing wrong though I’m quite certain that you’re just putting up a front. Even if you never vocalize your current predicament, it doesn’t take professional sleuthing to know what’s going on. After all, we have established an affinity, along with four others. An affinity that has been tested (and fortified) both by time and conflicting schedules.
To cut everything short, I just want to say that whatever you’re going through at this moment will eventually pass. Time is the best healer, after all. Also, always remember that everything happens with a purpose. A purpose which my seem unclear at first but will provide you with something priceless and insurmountable in the long run. Lastly, never forget that you have friends who will stand by you through your most tiring and darkest times. Friends who will never doubt your worth and will pick you up at your worst. Friends who will make you feel complete, no matter how ridiculous and dysfunctional they may be.
For the first time since God-knows-how-long, I’ve contracted the flu. It’s not generally bad per se, but when you consider some factors like the midterm examinations, you’d realize that universal conspiracy is really a thing. Needless to say, it takes bad timing to a whole, new level.
The past two nights were sleepless, due to the fact that my congested nostrils restricts the swift passage of sweet air. And even if I manage to grasp sleep, my throat-scarring cough would interrupt it, annoying me so much to the point where I can’t sleep anymore. If there’s one thing I hate aside from the insufferable hurting of my strained diaphragm, it’s waking up prematurely from a very brief slumber. What’s worse is I can do nothing but to pacify it with pills namely: decongestants, anti-cough, and paracetamol. Reviewing for the exam is difficult to begin with, but with a lingering flu, it’s deemed impossible. It’s quite a task to imbibe the lessons when your concentration is centered on something totally unrelated to what you’re trying to grasp. But tonight, I’ll reverse it by trying even harder. Hopefully, tomorrow’s scheduled overlapping examinations wouldn’t end up like the one I took last Tuesday where I tried my hardest to conceal the coughing just so the proctor wouldn’t insinuate that it’s a cheating tactic.
Wish me well and my exams too.